Three community members in a two month period!
A couple of years ago, we lost the district superintendent. She was hit while riding her bike – and many in our community witnessed it happening! Shortly after, a student was killed in a car accident. Soon after that, a student committed suicide. WE got the word about the third community member passing while in jazz band rehearsal.
The counselors sent us a statement to read. A grief team was in place. It was a very difficult class period. The students talked about it, sharing stories, feelings, and just letting their grief go. Of course the lesson plans for that day went out the window.
I asked the students if they wanted to talk more or if they wanted to play music. Unanimously they chose playing music. We didn’t stop to rehearse or anything; we simply played through a bunch of songs we were already familiar with. In some ways, it was some of the best playing they had done. The emotions were coming out through the music.
The previous summer, an entire family – mom and three kids – had perished in a terrible car accident. Dad was not on the trip. Two of those students were part of my 20 member string orchestra. On the first day of school, the counselors and a grief dog came to my class. We shared stories about the students, cried, and poured out our hearts. The students wanted to dedicate the next concert to their fallen classmates and wanted to raise money to put up a plaque in the rehearsal room – which they eventually did. This was all student led and directed. I was proud of them!
When one particular student passed, there was a candlelight vigil held. It was organized by students and led by students. Admin had been told that they could not take the lead on anything like that, nor could they dent students access to the grounds who wanted to lead. Unfortunately – what happened was that one student had a vigil and another had none. Students – and some parents – blamed the school. In my case, because I had made no mention on social media of the two kids in my orchestra who had passed away, many students thought I didn’t care. (Side note, I no longer connect to students on social media, but at that time we had an unofficial band page that I led). Once it was explained to them that different people handle grief differently, they understood. Be prepared for many misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Address the issue if at all possible, taking care that many drive differently. Get advice from the school counselor as well.
Allow the kids to process differently…
- Some act out
- Some withdraw
- Some immerse in nature
- Some immerse in books
- Some immerse in music
- Some want to talk
- Some don’t want to talk
- Some want to sit by themselves
- Some want to talk to a counselor
- Some don’t want to talk to a counselor
A band mom once passed away, leaving her husband and two daughters in grief. One of those daughters was in marching band. She was not in school for several days. However, the day after her mom passed, she came to practice just to be with her “family.” We took a pause in rehearsal and comforted her. Marching band recorded our own version of amazing grace that was played via video at the memorial service. It was our way of processing the grief!
Remember that it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to want to speak to a counselor. It’s ok for the students to see you cry. And if you’re a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ – or even if you’re not – prayer can be very healing and comforting.
Losing a life is NEVER easy. You and your students will come through this. You can then reflect on the good memories of the life that was lost.
James Divine is a retired band teacher. He still teaches half time at a charter school, spending the other half leading Professional Development and creating curriculum like Jazz From The Start to teach jazz and improv to young students. Get an early edition of his book Almost Everything I’ve Learned About Teaching Band.